No longer not welcomed

There is a story Dawn Tucker tells about when she was still very young, not much older than preschool age, maybe three or four years old.

She remembers her father wanting a beautiful photo taken of his little girl.

Dawn and her father went to the salon to get her hair cut. To dress her up for the photo, the hairdresser curled Dawn’s hair.

“I cried all the way home,” she says with a laugh.

Her father made her a deal. One photo and then Dawn could wash out the curls.

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Wiping the tears from her eyes, she agreed: One photo.

So, somewhere in the Tucker family archives is a photo of a little Dawn Tucker, red-eyed from crying, all gussied up, curls and all.

“I was just a little tomboy,” Dawn says, smiling as she finishes her story. “I didn’t like wearing dresses or skirts. The couple of times that I had to, I hated it. I did it because I had to.”

Dawn admits, she has never really been one to conform to societal expectations.

The 44-year-old former school teacher is a bit of a public figure in Vernon, best known as the administrator of the Vernon and Area Community Forum on Facebook. She also ran for city council in 2018.

Dawn is also an outspoken advocate for youth, the elderly, the marginalized, the disabled and the LGTBQ community — Dawn openly identifies as queer.

“How I live my life is a personal choice; how you live your life is your personal choice. It looks different for everybody, “she says.

She won’t go as far to say she has always known she was queer, but does say upon reflection there were signs.

“There were precursors,” she says. “I am definitely not a girly-girl. That doesn’t make a kid gay, definitely not, but there were some clues. I was different than other kids.”

Being different in a small town like Vernon can be difficult, especially for a child.

“As a kid, walking in our community, I had bottles thrown at me. I even had an apple thrown at me from a car. I didn’t really understand why. But, it was because I stuck out. I was different.”

Growing up Dawn was often misgendered — mistaken for a boy because she was bigger and stronger than most kids her age.

She says she often stood up for the kids targeted for being different.

Undoubtedly, her fierce desire to be an advocate for the underdog was born in her youth.

“I protected other kids because they were bullied for not fitting in. I was bullied for not fitting in. There were several times when I was beaten up. It would start by protecting a younger kid and then it would end up with two or three of them beating me up,” she says.

For her it all amounted to one message: “You are not welcome.”

The “you are not welcome” messaging would resurface time and time again throughout Dawn’s life.

The first conversations Dawn remember’s about ‘gay culture’ came from TV shows like Sally Jessy Raphael, Phil Donahue, and Oprah.

Dawn grew up during the peak of the HIV and AIDS epidemic. People were dying and the narrative around ‘gay people’ was generally not very good.

“I didn’t know what it was, but probably in elementary school, I started having crushes on other girls. I started having crushes on teachers. I didn’t know what it was, and then the talk shows start coming, and it was like, ‘Holy shit, I’m that.'”

There were no LGTBQ influences in her life. There was no reflection in the community. There were no role models in Vernon.

It left Dawn feeling isolated. Everywhere she looked, society was telling her that who she was, was wrong.

It was a period where it was not OK to be gay, she says.

“I grew up playing soccer, there was a lot of homophobia,” she remembers. “I played on women’s teams and the women were very homophobic.”

And while Dawn was still uncertain about her own sexuality, she was still, as she calls it, “othered” by her teammates.

As strong as Dawn can come across, her eyes still well with tears when she recalls the moment she fully accepted her sexuality.

It was during her university days in the late 1990s. She attended school in Kelowna, made friends, being accepted and as a result, her confidence was growing.

She remembers a road trip to Vancouver with a friend where they went to a concert, and then after, to a gay bar.

It was a freeing experience for Dawn.

“You are seeing other queer people, and you are thinking, ‘This is normal.’ Like, it is not some weird thing. And that is when it hits you … this is right,” she says.

The trip created a moment in Dawn’s life that cemented her future.

Dawn pauses and clears her throat before continuing her story.

“I dropped my friend off and on my drive back to Kelowna. I cried all the way home. It was one of those things when I was like, ‘Am I this?'”

It was the years of messaging flooding back.

The bullying for being different. It was the TV shows telling her being gay was dangerous and wrong. It was the homophobic comments while playing soccer. It was conforming to societal expectations to avoid the feeling of not being welcome.

“I didn’t know if I can do it. Just like everybody else, I just wanted to be normal,” she says.

Dawn again pauses. The silence hangs in the air.

She says, “It was the messaging.”

Dawn’s work as an advocate — especially for the LGTBQ community in Vernon — stretches back nearly two decades.

During her time as a teacher, Dawn was influential in helping to create a safe space for LGTBQ youth in Vernon.

She helped create the first gay-straight alliance within School District 22; LGTBQ youth education and events were created and participation levels grew throughout the community.

Dawn helped the BCTF shape its course to help teachers understand their LGTBQ students and helped write a safe spaces program in Vernon, used to train principals and teachers on the issues facing the LGTBQ youth.

In essence, in her own way, Dawn had helped to create a larger conversation in Vernon around the LGTBQ community — a reflection for youth who are looking for something to understand.

“It was important and it was important that they (LGTBQ youth) had a connection to the community. Trying to find safe places for them to go and to connect and talk about things and figure stuff out,” Dawn says with a smile. “It was important work. We educated staff, students and parents. I’d like to think that we laid the groundwork for a lot of things.”

Where Dawn was once greeted with hostility and rejection, she is now feels embraced and welcomed by her community.

And while she proudly identifies as a queer woman, that is not what defines her as a person.

“I don’t think you define yourself by your identity or your sexuality. I am proud of who I am, but that is just a small piece,” she says while stretching her arms up in the air.

“I can’t help but be me. That hiding doesn’t work for me. I can’t live an inauthentic life, so, I have always stuck out. I am me.”